20 - 916 - 5 months ago

My fiancé and I have a great sex life or what I say to me is a great sex life, but at times I can sense that he gets a little upset if I don’t have sex with him. I work 50 hour weeks which is not at all an excuse but I can get away with maybe having sex twice a week, but it always seems as if he wants more. I understand a guy has needs, but I’m the primary bread winner. Am I wrong for not at least trying more or giving more?

Ambreka - 23yo - level 2

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4 months ago

Yikes. Sounds like he doesn’t understand the meaning of consent. Sex is a two way street. If you don’t want to have sex at any time, for any reason, then he should respect that. Don’t let him rope you into something you’re not enjoying. He has a right hand and an imagination, and access to other energy-spending outlets.
I am concerned now, because he is your fiancé and already is not respecting your limits or boundaries. Please be careful ❤️

Mari - level 20 -
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4 months ago

And you never owe anyone sex

Mari - level 20 -
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5 months ago

Working 50 hours a week must be very tiring. You saying you "get away" with less sex does sound like there's something not working in your relationship though. I don't believe you should sleep with him if it feels like a chore, since it won't be the real thing to either of you. Maybe you can cut back on some work (since I imagine even without the sex issue it gets in the way of the relationship) or he could try and help you with some of what you have to do so you have more free time? Otherwise, it sounds like a serious problem at least to me, since him not being satisfied won't work as a long term solution. Maybe even consider counseling.

anner - 18yo - level 24 -
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5 months ago

I wouldn’t address it as being right or wrong. In relationships we need to be able to compromise as well as understand what we need from each other. I’m not sure how your day is scheduled but maybe you can try sex before your shift so you’re not too tired for him.
Yes a guy has needs but your body also has a need to rest after a 50 hour work week. Hopefully an arrangement can be made that suits you both.

Erica - 36yo - level 11 -
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4 months ago

It is not exactly having sex that helps the guys, but how we react or initiate the process. I had similar issue with my partner, and recently I learnt that it was because I never said or initiated the physical intimacy. Now having sex even once or twice a week makes him happy, because he feels desired and loved. Actually I have also learned that most of women go through this phase...and online research helped me a lot. You can also try it and see if it helps in your situation. All the best.

Sneha - 28yo - level 2 -
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4 months ago

No I don’t think you are wrong . Your body and mind are physically and mentally tired . So it is difficult to just be in the mood when you do work so much . Perhaps you should ask your partner to tell you a bit in advance when he really feels In the mood for sex, so that you are prepared rather than just getting home and him assuming that you are in the mood for that . I don’t think there is much you can do about this apart from talking to each other before hand and perhaps planning a little bit so that you are prepared to satisfy him. You can also discuss with him when is best for you to have sex, when would you would not be so tired so that you are showing consideration towards his needs.

Anilda - 26yo - level 34 -
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4 months ago

But ofcourse he does need to understand that you won’t be in the mood for it every time he is. So there needs to be a mutual understanding of each other’s needs.

Anilda - 26yo - level 34 -
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4 months ago

You working like that is tiring he should understand that sometimes you to tired.

Shyla - level 14 -
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5 months ago

You’re wrong for including that you’re the primary bread winner in your question and if you were a man I’d tell you the same thing. The fact that you mentioned it says that you think that entitles u to some higher worth. So first thing, lose that attitude. If indeed you are too tired then be honest with him. Since you’re not married yet, you both will need to look a long way down the road and ask yourselves if sexual incompatibility is not that important to you both. If it is, then compromise is the only option. Just how you’ll find it is up to you both. There are sex toys for men as well. All over Amazon. If you’re open to using one on him, ie manipulate a vibrator remote, or using a flesh light, great. It may be less exhausting than intercourse. Bottom line is you need to find common ground before legally bound. Good luck.

Dave - level 1 -
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4 months ago

You should not feel pushed into sex with him. Communicate your needs and tell him sometimes you are too wiped for sex. It's okay to say No and he should be understanding without copping an attitude. If he gets an attitude then call him on it - maturely - while still expressing your needs. Then ask him what his needs are. What would make him feel satisfied. Is there something other than sex that you guys can do to make him feel loved/appreciated.

Anthony - 35yo - level 24 -
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4 months ago

Damn that isn't how to put things. If some dude was to say that he could be good haing sex 2 a week and that our fiancee isn't the bread winner so she just needs to sit back don't worry about your needs, I'm enough as is . By the way you don't turn me on so there's that to

Larry - 41yo - level 33 -
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4 months ago

I agree with a lot of the answers here, but I would say definitely have a conversation with him, remind him (as I think any man likes to hear) how much you enjoy having sex with him, that'll soften him up a bit I think, and Then express how sometimes you just don't have the energy to have sex as much as he might want to. Coming from a 7 year sex less marriage, where he didn't want to have sex with me more than once a month, I would take it as a compliment that he wants to, but then set a realistic goal that works for both of you, like a certain number of times a week and then go from there. I don't know that it's the same for all women, but I know an intimate conversation puts me in the mood more than anything lol so you never know, if it goes well he might get lucky anyways :) hope that helps.

Catherine - 33yo - level 12 -
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4 months ago

I would say it's best that you try and discuss this amongst the two of you over a nice dinner at home and try to explaine your side. It's best that you both try to keep each others interests in mind but also that there are limitations for each of you. It sounds as though your trying to be understanding of his needs if he truly loves you he will not pressure you if your too tired. It's also important you Express you would like to do more so he can see that it's not that you dont enjoy sex just that sometimes you dont have the energy for it.

Steven - 31yo - level 41 -
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4 months ago

The way I see this is. No matter how much you make it do you make time for what you want to do. You prioritize your freetime this way. If you are finding time 2 of 7 days then this kind of shows your priority towards this. He on the other hand may be struggling to feel lived by you and intimacy is the ultimate sign. You may be able to continue your current schedule with only a small change. Do something like leave a love note, or get a little trinket at the gas station to show him you do think about him when your not with him.

Matthew - 41yo - level 1 -
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4 months ago

We all know that work isn't an excuse when it comes to the couple life, but truth being said it does makes you more tired, my advice is instead of sec surprise him with a little something made by you or any fun idea to make him see although tired you're still engaged in the relationship.

Regina - 25yo - level 22 -
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4 months ago

A relationship is about give and take. So sometimes whether u feel like it or not i feel that you should give in. If u want to keep him happy sometimes its worth it to take one for the team. Now there will b times where its just impossible to even want it. Those days are very understandable but other days he just may want to be close to you. So its worth the compromise. Just my opinion

Tasha - 35yo - level 29 -
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4 months ago

No

Aaron - 21yo - level 14 -
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4 months ago

Decrease the hours and increase the sex Time
I think it's the best solution

Masoud - level 3 -
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4 months ago

Hi Ambreka, is it?

My wife and I have been married 35 years next month, and dated for 4 years through High School, and as someone who's worked 60+ hour weeks for most of our life together, I can sympathize with you "tiredness". However, I personally STILL have a higher sex-drive than my wife, and it has been a point of contention for much of our marriage, until I finally just accepted a sexless marriage. As others have pointed out, this is definitely something you guys need to talk about and decide together if this is going to work for you long term. Inevitably, one of you will be unhappy if you can't, and it may mean an end to your relationship down the road, unless one of you is willing to continue to sacrifice their own desires/needs.

I love my wife, and I accepted long ago that her needs came first, even if I wasn't happy, but not everyone is going to be able live like that for the long term. It may be a difficult conversation, but better to have it now than after having kids or being together for so many years.

Best wishes to you both.
Lynn

Lynn - 55yo - level 4 -
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4 months ago

I completely agree....it may not seem that big of a deal right now but I guarantee as soon as the "I do" happens...things will change and it will become a major problem and stressor in your marriage. That is not how you want to start a marriage for sure. I would for sure have that talk with him

Angela - 40yo - level 4 -
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4 months ago

You should be having sex with your fiancé because you want to. Sometimes working a lot can bring on fatigue and stress and sex is the last thing on your mind. If you haven’t already, discuss that with him. Maybe he can think of ways to help you relax a bit more from work that could change your mind or put you in the mood. But if your fiancé makes you feel like you’re obligated to have sex with him, that is a big red flag. You are not by any means expected to or required to have sex, and he needs to respect that if he already doesn’t.

Carolyn - 30yo - level 23 -
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4 months ago

I think that partners should understand that people are different and have different needs. You think that “you have a great sex life” because it is perfectly enough for you. He maybe needs some more, but that is not a reason for you to make a compromise. I personally think that sex is meaningless if it doesn’t bring you happiness and pleasure. Avoiding conflict and making him happy doesn’t mean that you should be forced to do things you don’t want to. Doesn’t matter if you are tired, sleepy or just not in the mood, sex is about mutual good feeling, not some way to consume your relationship. If that really bothers him I can suggest to find some other things you can both do that will bring both of you happiness and good time together. (:

Ани - 19yo - level 18 -
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5 months ago

I agree to not look at it as wrong, but try to find a compromise. Are there things he can take off of your plate to free up time at home for intimacy? Are there times when you can adjust your schedule to have alone time? Do you need intimacy from him elsewhere to encourage physical intimacy?

Tara - 42yo - level 17 -
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