25 - 458 - 2 weeks ago

I feel like my fiancee doesn't put as much effort into our relationship now like he used to when we were just starting to date,he says he trys but I'm conflicted.

Kelsey - 22yo - level 11

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2 weeks ago

It seems you’ve tried to speak with him about it somewhat. I assume you’ve been together around 2 years or so as you’re now engaged. This is typical in many relationships.

The first thing is to really identify what it is you feel needs aren’t being met and come up with examples on how to meet those needs.

The next thing is to speak with him at the appropriate time - not right after a romp, work, just before bed. Also approach the convo without accusing him and ensure to use “I feel” statements. Example: “I feel unimportant when I am not greeted at the door with a kiss for days on end” or “I feel taken for granted for having to do most of the household chores without much help”. Then follow that up with what you need “I would feel better if I was greeted at the door 4 days a week with a kiss and a hug” or “I would be greatly appreciative if we could split the chores and alternate”. Then you could even add an “incentive” after that. Example, “if I was greeted at the door it may lead to more intimacy wink wink” or “if I had more help it could lead to us spending more quality free time together”.

When you approach the issue this way, it may lead him to open up and even say something he’s been needing that you’re not meeting.

Also, without knowing the specifics, what you may consider a lack of effort (say you feel he’s giving 10%) might just be his 200% under the circumstances. It could even be a simple lack of patience. These turn arounds rarely snap back in a day. It could take weeks or months.

Best of luck and hope in helps!

Allen - 33yo - level 39 -
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2 weeks ago

Two people should be equally yoked if one is stronger or if there are too many differences this can be an issue

Billy - 59yo - level 21 -
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1 week ago

Great advice Allen!

Joanna - 36yo - level 26 -
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1 week ago

Wonderful advice!

JDanger - 31yo - level 8 -
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1 week ago

Try couples therapy. It helps things get back on track, or will help you clarify if you are going in different directions.

Stephani - 30yo - level 35 -
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1 week ago

Many people say “oh it’s normal”. Well, yes it may be normal, but it’s not healthy. You both constantly need to take action to keep feeding love into your relationship. If you’re not doing it, he won’t either. If you’re already trying to show different ways you love him and he’s not reciprocating, find out why and see if what you’re communicating to him is speaking his love language or not. Because what you may think brings him joy or shows him love might not be the case.

Nat - 30yo - level 1 -
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1 week ago

Talk together about your needs and expectations.

Anna - 36yo - level 7 -
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1 week ago

Sounds like the comfort zone is settling in.
Usually you put in effort to impress. If you're at the stage where you've promised not to leave (as you are getting married) he may be mentally letting off the gas.

Find out what he considers effort. Is making dinner effort? Is taking you out, effort? Is holding hands whilst watching a movie, effort? Are gifts effort?

Get him to see where he might be overlooking and try and take it from there

Omar - 24yo - level 38 -
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1 week ago

Try understanding your love languages. Maybe the way he loves now is something different from when he doesn't started.

Harley - 34yo - level 5 -
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1 week ago

Tbh I thought no this is somewhat normal but still not excusable. It should be a point of discussion between the two of you. If things continue to go downhill in the relationship excellence department, you will have a hard choice to make going forward.

Duane - level 9 -
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1 week ago

Perhaps you can try other apps to help like Love Nudge. If you're worth the effort to him he'll try anything to work things out. Unfortunately my relationship of two years just ended because no matter what I tried she didn't want to.

David - level 1 -
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1 week ago

Focus on you. No one can make their partner change. If you are keeping score on who is trying harder one of you has to lose. Marriage is a union of two people into one. Neither is ahead and neither is behind. Whatever you feel is lacking is on you to pick up the slack so that the team succeeds. If your partner refuses to put in the work the marriage will fall. If the marriage fails that means the both of you didn't put in the work up front to ensure success.

Shaun - 41yo - level 46 -
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1 week ago

It’s natural for guys to become “complacent” as a relationship progresses. But don’t be fooled by anything he says, things will continue in the same direction.

Ron - 50yo - level 16 -
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1 week ago

Every person is unique. Doesn’t matter if it’s a guy or girl. We all work differently. However, Every single couple I’ve ever known goes through that phase that you’re describing. In my opinion, it’s how you get through that, that really helps to define the relationship that you’re going to have... for better, or worse.

Michael - 43yo - level 28 -
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1 week ago

Sometimes life gets busy and we forget to work on our relationships and men dont always think about it like women do I hope this gets better for you

Kendra - 38yo - level 1 -
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1 week ago

Oh sweetie that's just men! Period men have different ideas about what effort really means. They don't understand what effort is compared to women. We overly effort and they underly effort if that makes sense

Nikki - 41yo - level 16 -
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1 week ago

WRONG!!! My Wife And I have been married over a year. I still open doors, bring home flowers for no reason, take her out to dinner PROUDLY!! and tell her many times a day how beautiful she is how much she means to my life and how much i love her so no that's not "just men".

Travis - 49yo - level 39 -
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1 week ago

Ok

Barry - 56yo - level 3 -
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1 week ago

Start all over again ❤

Miku - 19yo - level 10 -
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1 week ago

Its the Euphoria... It goes away...

Glenda - 45yo - level 5 -
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2 weeks ago

It happens in every relationship as the time goes by. Sadly we tend to accommodate. You fiancee needs to be reminded that we build our relationship dairy. So besides all the things you two have been through until now, he still needs to conquer your heart on next day.

Daniel - 31yo - level 10 -
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2 weeks ago

the best advice i can offer is: continue to have an open dialogue expressing needs and acknowledge the small things. everyone wants to feel important and appreciated. even if he does something simple like ordering food for the two of you after a long day, realize that's a way he shows he cares.

Rebecca - 26yo - level 10 -
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2 weeks ago

Taking you for granted is not a good attitude. At the same time, when one is engaged and afterwards married, men do focus on other things. I would suggest an agreement between both of you on quality time together and also some private time to spend alone (men do need such time, but not too much). :)

Jurģis - 33yo - level 11 -
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2 weeks ago

Expectations 101, if you need something from him (desire, effort, time, etc.), you have to verbally express that to him. Can't get mad at him for not doing something that he didn't know you needed. Try, what I need from you is.... Good luck!

Tara - 42yo - level 5 -
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2 weeks ago

Dat doesnt mean he luvs u any less. May be he has his reasons. Nay be too tyrd of his job. If u think der is a change den dnt scold him, rather approach him very delicately n ask him if ders anything wrong kr if u can help him in anything. He will be touched n tell u everything slowly, if der is anything he is hiding

Puja - level 1 -
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2 weeks ago

Dating is a whole other beast. You were first getting to know each other so the effort is definitely there because you both were looking to see if your a good match. Now that you both know you're good together sometimes the effort slacks. I think that men and women forget that relationships work best when we are constantly investing in it. Meaning talking to each other daily, setting time aside for each to do things together, and even doing things outside our comfort zones so that we can continue to grow together. It is also very important to know that the person you are with today will probably morph into different people as you age. Allow each other do this by communicating to each other and encouraging one another. Marriage is crazy hard but as long as the effort to invest is there, I believe, it will grow and bond you.

Debbie - level 4 -
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2 weeks ago

Do not borrow trouble. If his effort does not seem enough ask yourself why you feel that way. Try to define what you consider to be enough effort and communicate that. Try to consider external influences as well. Things are definitely different when you are dating. If you are now live together then that changes the whole dynamic of a relationship on its own....regardless of whether or not you are engaged. Relationships will always change. You have to keep communicating to make sure they are growing not shrinking.

Julia - level 7 -
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2 weeks ago

I agree with Deenie. Reset with each other and have a heart to heart. Express your feelings and give examples of what you need more of. Listen to him and his response. More importantly how he reacts and what he does in terms of action. If he blows it off or says you're overreacting he's not concerned with your needs and your marriage will be much more of the same or worse. I'm engaged now but was married before. I didn't listen to my gut and I ended up in a terrible marriage. Best of luck ☺️

Jeff - 42yo - level 30 -
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2 weeks ago

You really need honesty. If the relationship isn't growing, marriage will be a bad & expensive idea. Talk to him, heart to heart. And if he doesn't want to, walk away because that's your answer.

Deenie - 41yo - level 9 -
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