31 - 515 - 4 weeks ago

My wife does a lot of the home duties and she has a full time job. I'm in school full time which takes a lot out of me. We've got 3 kids left in the house and 3 already gone. Nothing I do seems good enough but she says she wants me to appreciate what she does. I do appreciate it more than I can explain. I try flowers, simple thank you's, special dates, and I never say 'no' when she wants a girls night...but she still doesn't feel I appreciate what she does. Anyone have ideas? She is a SuperMom!

Wesley - 39yo - level 7

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1 week ago

Help her with housework. Hell I work 122 hrs every 2 weeks. Run two businesses. Do charity events and still manage to help out. The school work is an excuse. Get up 30 minutes early and run the dishes.

Rick - 50yo - level 20 -
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1 week ago

Try asking her what appreciation looks like to her. It sounds like her idea of it differs from yours, and only she will truly know the answer. No matter how well we know our partners, there are always new things to learn, and people change. What is a nice show of gratitude for her now, may be different in a year or five.

Brian - 47yo - level 42 -
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6 days ago

Perfectly stated.

Doug - 35yo - level 47 -
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1 week ago

First, kudos for seeking help on this one, I feel like your heart's in the right place here. Agree with a lot of the above advice (not the ones saying do nothing lol). There's definitely a gap here in terms of understanding what appreciation looks like to her - that would be my first step. Keep in mind that she may feel resentful for putting so much of the team on her back right now, and it's possible she won't even know what else you can do to show it. If that's the case, I also recommend counselling.
I get that school is busy and every degree/person is different, but I went to school full time while working full time and writing a thesis, and still made time to maintain a household (albeit none of them were done perfectly). I also don't have kids so again, I get this looks different for different people, but time management is key. It's possible you have to further your sacrifices until you're done school (cut back on a course each semester, get a half hour less sleep, cut out some tv time) to contribute more. It's not easy but it's not forever. Your school may also have free counselling services to help you through stress management on your own to help with energy levels. Wish you luck!

Kathryn - 30yo - level 25 -
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1 week ago

When she is doing housework help her with it. Communication is key. Ask her how can you help her more?

Mindy - 39yo - level 6 -
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1 week ago

I get that school can be draining, even if not for the amount of time you give, but mentally draining but if you know. She does a lot show you appreciate her by making her load less. Whenever you get a chance. Actions speak louder then words and right now you're going the financial route, but I think she'd appreciate it more if you did laundry or cooked dinner. Cleaned the dishes. Stuff like that

Shontia - 22yo - level 1 -
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1 week ago

Clearly her idea of appreciation is expressed in a different way than what you're providing right now. Maybe take a look at the Love Languages (which are a little overrated, but still helpful in reframing the way we think about expressing love and appreciation)

Daniel - 34yo - level 10 -
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1 week ago

Pick one activity from her long list and take that on as your responsibility.

Sabi - level 3 -
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1 week ago

Have you ever tried talking about it with her?
Not in a resenting way obviously, but like.... hobestly and open-heartedly tell her how you feel, that you are grateful and whatnot. Obviously you know your wife best, but I always find open discussion better
Wish you best luck

Annalisa - 21yo - level 14 -
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1 week ago

Maybe she wants you to do more stuff around the house. If her love language is acts of service, then no amount of gift giving or date planning is going to make a difference. Maybe you should figure out how many hours each of you spend working on school, work, housework, and child care and even it out a bit.

Laci - 33yo - level 19 -
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6 days ago

Maybe ask her how she wants to be shown that you appreciate her. I do 1,000 tasks thinking it'll make her day to only find out that all she really wanted was me to spend the morning with the kids.
Then I get frustrated, feel unappreciated and resentful.
So, if we're about to do a task for our sometimes confusing partners, ask what we can do first so we don't get burned out.
Just a thought - one that sometimes works for me.

Gabe - level 17 -
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6 days ago

Does she like doing everything? Try asking her if there is anything she would like you to do. Or surprise her with supper one night. Ir breakfast in bed on a weekend. Get her a massage or spa day

Angela - 39yo - level 2 -
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6 days ago

Help her woth chores and kids. Make sure you give her quality time as much as you can and make your house vhores a quality time that you do together with cpnversation and reconnected or even making games out of it. It helped my wife and me when i helped her more and told her i am peoud of her and that being a stay home mother to 4 kods is a full time job and am lucky i jave her

Michael - 36yo - level 2 -
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6 days ago

Do your part of the housework

Amanda - 23yo - level 6 -
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6 days ago

Help her some or suprise her with cleaning for her to rest

Tasha - 34yo - level 28 -
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5 days ago

For first if someone is dedicated for life with sb, that person is not a guest in the house. If you want to enrich your relationship between you and your wife, help her with daily duties: washing, vacuum cleaning, dish washing, and I guarantee you that your wife will appreciate it more than your shitty flowers or dates.

Marcin - level 26 -
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6 days ago

Brian's comment was very well said! I think everyone has advice about what your wife may want if they were in her shoes but no one is going to give you the answers you need like your wife can. Genuinely finding out why she doesn't feel appreciated and what she needs to feel appreciated sounds like the key here. It sounds like you are genuinely trying but when nothing you do seems good enough, it's a miss. She wants to feel appreciated and you want you contributions to matter. It sounds like an honest open conversation about what you both need is in order.

Trish - 34yo - level 47 -
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6 days ago

Suck it up and help her with the house hold stuff. Its ur hob as a father figure to show thos kids what a man should look like. Ur in school u should have all kinds of phisical energy when u get home

Justin - 26yo - level 4 -
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6 days ago

The comment Brian said about you two having a different view on what appreciation looks like,
sounds spot on!

Also ask her for one or two SPECIFIC things you can do that would make her feel more appreciated/show her you appreciate her. Not “help more in the kitchen”. Something specific like do the dishes a couple times a week or take out the trash every week. It will make her feel heard. And then do those things.
Also what’s her love language? Maybe it’s a difference of love languages too. If she feels loved by acts of service, then it doesn’t matter how often you bring home a gift or write her a card because she doesn’t receive love that way. I say always keep those habits alive, but in order to really pour into her ask her how she feels loved and do those things.

Camille - 30yo - level 21 -
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6 days ago

Ask if she needs help, don’t wait for her to ask for help. Tell her you appreciate what she does more often, and when she is doing what it is that you appreciate. My husband and I have weekly meetings where we go over our plans for the week, talk about things that upset us over the week, and we start by telling each other what we appreciate that the other did the last week. I think asking her what appreciation looks like is good advice as well. And allow her time to relax without doing some housework. It doesn’t always have to be done immediately.

Dahlia - 34yo - level 25 -
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6 days ago

It sounds like simple times together and outside of the house for the both of you would be a good start. Sounds like you both need occasional times to get out and breathe from underneath the weight you have both carried and are still carrying. Investing in a babysitter and doing cheap dates could help.

Duane - level 9 -
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6 days ago

You may have a lot on your plate because of school, but think about how much she has on her plate. Working 40 hours and coming home to do all the housework? It’s not fair to her. I think that you really need to pitch in and do 50% of the work. That’s what she’s really looking for. And get the kids involved too. Chores and responsibilities are actually really good for kids, and not enough parents have their kids do chores, and then they are helpless as adults. It’s not fair to have 1 person cleaning for 5 people.

Jillana - 26yo - level 3 -
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6 days ago

I have a full time job and go to school and do the housework and take care of the kids. Take the kids out so she can have peace. Have a day where EVERYONE helps clean. Send her to a spa. Communicate what she is looking for. Hire a cleaning lady if it will help

Tiffany - 36yo - level 7 -
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6 days ago

Take something that she does around the house and do that. Give her a day off from duties around the house.

Carolyn - 38yo - level 15 -
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6 days ago

Simply texting something sexy you love about her. Something that has NOTHING to do with the kids or laundry, etc.

Annie - 40yo - level 3 -
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6 days ago

Hi Mr Appreciation Ideas. I do hope all is well. I've read several of the responses and I have a question or two for you. You mentioned that you are in school. Outside of school are you doing anything to bring in additional revenue to the home? Being realistic in this situation, if she's the sole breadwinner in your home, her efforts will eventually turn into resentment if you don't control it now. How are your finances looking? You mentioned a total of 6 kids. That has to be hard on the pockets. Think about what you are doing. If you all aren't quite where you want to be with the funds but you are going out and purchasing monetary type gifts as opposed to "time", you are only worsening the situation. A second point I want to touch on is the statement you made, "I never say 'no' when she wants a girls night." When it's said and done, is that really the way to think? If she's really pushing through the way you have described, ask yourself if you honestly have room to say "no". That's almost as sensitive as the "my husband is babysitting the kids" topic. You appear to care enough to want to make/keep her happy. Keep trudging on my friend!

TESHA - 43yo - level 22 -
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6 days ago

Try helping her with the housework and definitely get the kids on board with doing it too. They live there as well. I know school is draining believe me, but you all live in that house and you should all put in the work. She would almost definitely appreciate the extra hands. If she’s more “I want it done right in the specific way I do it” and less focused on the help of her family maybe try fully taking over certain jobs instead of alternating everything so it’s only you dealing with it being done a certain way. If helping isn’t the case at all, try specifically complimenting how well she does certain things or complimenting how she gets it all done. Or simply ask her how you could help her feel as fully appreciated by you as she obviously is. She may just not be working on the same level of love language as you are.

Danielle - 19yo - level 13 -
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1 week ago

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/05/04/opinion/sunday/men-parenting.html

Mari - level 8 -
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1 week ago

Whatever you do, and I can't stress this enough: do NOT take over more chores than you already do if your schedule is full. It sounds good on paper but is the opposite of helpful if she doesn't appreciate what you already do in the first place. taking on more work will just make it a higher standard she doesn't appreciate.

Markus - 28yo - level 18 -
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1 week ago

You can do more chores, buy more gifts, plan more trips but that always will put you in the position of trying to appease her. Sounds like you have already lost the handle on this one. Best try couples counseling. Spoiler - everything will be said to be your fault.

Chad - 47yo - level 41 -
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1 week ago

Take her on a vacation, or a romantic weekend... or week. Devote some personal time to her.

Veníce Marie - 23yo - level 1 -
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1 week ago

Tell her. Give her a big hug and kiss and tell her she's amazing and you don't know what you'd do without her.
Validate her effort. Whenever you have a chance to introduce her, go to the extreme and introduce her as "Foremost Expert of the multitask, Creator and Super Mom to the world's most adorable children.
Beforeloved Queen of my kingdom and Ruler of my heart, my Amazing, Beautiful and patient Wife,........"
I know it's way over the top, it's supposed to be. That type of thing not only proves you realize her worth but, she'll see how proud of her you are and that she's worth bragging about. She might fuss but, she's gonna love it.
Oh, at the end of an intro like that, look her in the eyes, with absolute sincerity and kiss her gently, no matter where you are or who's there. No one else's opinion matters anyway.

Danielle - 57yo - level 4 -
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1 week ago

Beloved, not before....
Autocorrect is rarely, correct.

Danielle - 57yo - level 4 -
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