51 - 903 - 1 year ago

My wife and I are wanting different things in the bedroom. We've been married 20 years. She wants the same thing, same position and do it fast. I want some spice. Different positions, different toys, different things. She doesn't want to discuss it.
How can I compromise and bring back some excitement without causing friction?

Ronnie - 37yo - level 26

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1 year ago

Do the old things the new way
Remember the best of your times together
Just go through your timeline of love
You'll surely find something that'll create a win win situation
Believe me if you want something you got to work for it
Don't just create the mood in bed
Take her out
May be somewhere from your memory park
The place she would really love
Make her feel like before
And she will be all yours

SIDDHARTH - 27yo - level 26 -
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1 year ago

She’s likely stressed and tired. If you have kids and she works this could be the last thing that is on her mind. It sounds like she wants to get in and get out. Try doing things to her love language for a week like the dishes, write a poem, or a little gift. Then talk to her about this during a relaxing time out over ice cream. She might admit to you that she’s just not in the mood. So you have to turn on her mind. Also, her hormones can be out of balance which contributes to low
Libido. I just taught a health class on that last night.

Liz - 32yo - level 16 -
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1 year ago

Have you heard of the five love languages? Are you meeting her needs outside of sex? Has she had traumatic experiences in the past? Is she suffering with her self image?

Alicia - 29yo - level 7 -
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1 year ago

Yes to all of this! Immediately, I thought of two things, is she satisfied with the emotional aspect of the relationship? The five languages of love is worth a read!
Also, maybe she is unhappy with herself, feeling unattractive and such.
If she isn’t willing to speak, try writing a letter instead.

Lula - 41yo - level 25 -
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1 year ago

Make her feel like you appreciate all of her, help her feel sexy, loved and appreciated...a woman that feels ravished and confident...tends to be more open for adventure, so be playful and pay attention to her

Jimena - 27yo - level 15 -
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1 year ago

Well, I think she's not that excited about sex anymore. Maybe you could travel, have a romantic trip, to make things better. Maybe you've lost the spark after 20 years, you know? But if she's always been like that, maybe it's time for her to get rid of the chains of patriarchy and discover what pleases her. We women have always been taught that we should only please our men, and we're not supposed to like sex or to have pleasure. That's something that really bothers me, because I spent 5 years, in my previous relationship, thinking that I should only do whatever my partner wanted, so I had never thought about what I liked. I hadn't even masturbated. Maybe she needs to discover herself, what she likes and what pleases her.

Gabriela - 23yo - level 34 -
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1 year ago

the best way is to let her lead the sexual path you do the work and kiss her every time you see her with passion and open mouth but you dont push any thing. let her get hot for it, and be ready it can take days or weeks. depends on how much youve made her hate you. like the trauma Gabriela experianced. also you could get her stoned it will take the stress out of it for her. but dont try new stuff when shes drunk or stoned. that will make it worse she has to trust you unless she brings it on and thats still dangerous. she could regret later. your working on. positive renforsment with her and letting her discover what she wants. remember she is always in control of her body if she doesent feel that way she will make sure sex is unsatisfing for you as much as it is for her. thats what your dealing with. best of luck. move slow masterbate regularly it will make you calmer and nicer.

tim - 41yo - level 22 -
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1 year ago

I second Heng. If she is unwilling or unable to at least talk about it, she should at least give you the consideration of letting you know why. Also, are you giving her a safe and welcoming environment in which to talk about it, or are you being confrontational?

If you are being accepting and inviting in your approach, and she is just refusing to even discuss things, you have a decision to make. Accept things on her terms and learn to live with it (a choice that you may resent in the future), or you two separate as amicably as possible and each find what you want individually (a choice that will likely lead to a lot of pain for you both at least in the short term).

I don't envy your situation, but I wish you luck.

Brian - 47yo - level 43 -
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1 year ago

Maybe start by asking why doesn't she want to talk about it, you two should be able to discuss anything.

Heng - level 8 -
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1 year ago

See a sex therapist maybe? Sex is a really big issue for a lot of couples and is a huge reason people cheat and have affairs. I think you should seek some outside help. This might help you to meet in the middle and satisfy both of your wants/needs.

Eileen - 34yo - level 45 -
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1 year ago

I say that you definitely need to talk about why she may be feeling this way! Men and women are not light switches...we can’t be turned on and off at the touch of a finger. You need to see what’s going on, and you shouldn’t expect her to be able to change instantly. Give it time.

Elyse - 26yo - level 30 -
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1 year ago

Most likely she doesn't want the same o same o.... Women like different too if not more. We are just more secluded non verbal judgmental to ourselves ruining it for everyone else and easily embarrassed if we think its to far fetched that our spouse would be like what is wrong with you. What did yall do at 1st sight? In the beginning of your relationship the honeymoon state? Just like that but with more passion and affection. No more jump and dive.
And if she feels that you think of her disgustingly or not attracted to her she doesn't make that great love. If your not showing the compassion affection and love throughout life NOT JUST DURING THE DEED she will feel unwanted.

Victoria - 27yo - level 1 -
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1 year ago

I'd say you both need to figure out your reasoning for what you want. Is she triggered? Does she have certain beliefs about what appropriate? Are you looking for new experiences based on things like stuff you see in porn or are you looking to change things up a bit to keep it interesting?

Charlynn - 27yo - level 37 -
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1 year ago

Get an appointment with a sex therapist. Maybe she was never really enjoying penetration? Many women don't talk about their lack of satisfaction in the bedroom and sex becomes more of a duty to them. Maybe she has some unresolved issues? Maybe your libidos just don't overlap? Talk, talk, talk.

Dokueri - 23yo - level 23 -
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1 year ago

Unfortunately, there is no quick fix. I agree with others that she’s probably stressed/tired and not in the mood but willing to try to be for you to be a good wife. Try to make her life more pleasurable outside the bed and it will bring her around.

Jeremy - 27yo - level 13 -
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1 year ago

You have to bring it up and talk anout it. The same thing really fet mundane and boring. Me and my wife have changed it up and we have had sex almost everyday since september 2018. Thats almost 5 straight months and its been amazing. Wheather its the male or female thats were the straying may happen or the wife will get mad about her man watching porn.... My wife has outfits we incorporate toys we watch porn.... Shit ask her to try games we have over 20 sex games they are awrsome.

Frankie - 39yo - level 24 -
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1 year ago

Communication is a big necessity in this situation. If spicy sex is important to you then make a stand for it so you can comprise. Try to get her to agree to at least once a week.

If she really different want to talk or compromise that's on her. I know in my relationship my girlfriend knows 100% if I'm not having sex with her after a extended amount of time I will find another source. My heart will still belong to my gf but I will get the nut I want, and she knows.
I'm not saying just go cheat. I'm saying respectfully tell her you have needs and if she doesn't want to compromise you will find someone else to help fufill those needs

marquon - 24yo - level 7 -
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1 year ago

Surprise her with a trip to a lingerie store and slowly introduce new things that way.

anonymous - 29yo - level 2 -
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1 year ago

Start small. Try a romantic dinner at a beach or in a park, and see where it leads after the sun goes down.

Scott - 40yo - level 27 -
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1 year ago

Take her on a date that's exciting, make her feel like she is worshipped and desired more than anything, and get some drinks into her. When you get somewhere private, take her.... Spontaneously somehwhere that doing it in that same position and duration just isn't possible!!!

Ryan - 38yo - level 25 -
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1 year ago

I think you should ask your wife about something that's really important for her emotionally and maybe she doesn't feel like you do it enough. Then talk about her feelings, tell her you care and you will make an effort. Then tell her how you feel in relation to sex(maybe somehow rejected, like she doesn't want you anymore and that makes you sad or whatever you feel) and then ask her to make an effort too

Daniela - 25yo - level 13 -
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1 year ago

Justkeep trying

Travis - 31yo - level 11 -
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1 year ago

Go down on her? Make it all about her at first? Kiss her literally everywhere.. places you haven't before maybe, make her wary of your spicy side

Lee tully - 30yo - level 12 -
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1 year ago

Talk about it and don’t let it go until things are hashed out. Don’t push or set a deadline on when to “fix” it. These things should never be swept under the rug, ask her her thoughts and share yours but don’t be overwhelming. Slow is best then things may explode in due time.

Jimmie - 44yo - level 11 -
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1 year ago

My first reaction was.. Why not discuss it? At least.
Then I thought a little bit more.. IF SHE LITERALLY SAYS, "she doesn't want to discuss it" then maaaybe its been brought up too much.
Try romance, no talk, to spice it up.
Might not happen right away, but be consistant with that and DONT BE A BUG.. It seams its more of a emotional thing for her than a physical. So after 20years you SHOULD KNOW what she wants from you. If you dont, START PAYING ATTENTION.
After you got that part down, then in the bedroom be the man you know she wants and put her in a new position😉

Christina - 37yo - level 3 -
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1 year ago

Just do it anyway, she will respond accordingly. Obviously don’t cross a line that will cause either of you harm, but plan that shit and DO IT!

Tara Currie - 41yo - level 9 -
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1 year ago

Its ok to change it up abit once in awhile

Tania - 41yo - level 8 -
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1 year ago

Try getting a 🐇 rabbit....she might just need more simulation/excitement...or invite another person maybe try swinging for a night she might just want something NEW...

Danille - 39yo - level 10 -
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1 year ago

I think intimacy comes from focusing on our spouse's personality, taste and needs. We should do our best to cherish our wifes. The reward is a better relationship with them and their opening to us.

Jurģis - 33yo - level 11 -
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1 year ago

Express to her that your desires are not being met, and that you don’t want to but feel like this would put you in. Position to seek what you are looking from an unhealthy place.

Lex - level 25 -
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1 year ago

Just do it and let her deal with it

Phillip - level 2 -
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1 year ago

It's easier to ask for forgiveness the permission. She might like The spontaneous event

anonymous - 30yo - level 1 -
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1 year ago

So like sexually assault her and then apologize after? What?

Steve - 37yo - level 45 -
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1 year ago

I don’t think you can. If she doesn’t even want to talk about it, there’s no way to bring back some excitement without causing friction. Either... she is willing to work through things and at the very least - talk about it, OR... (unfortunately) you’re in for a lot more frustration the longer the relationship goes.

Michael - 44yo - level 39 -
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1 year ago

Compromise. Find what she will try and start there. Because if she isn't into it, it is no fun...

Courtney - 43yo - level 16 -
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1 year ago

I am in the same situation and feel the same as you do and my wife is open to listening and at times trying but not often and being open and honest has always seemed to work best for me, the hirtfull part for me is when your partner doesnt seem to share the same intrest in broadening the sexual aspect of the relationship especially after years together. Maybe remind her that men and wemon are different and its almost uncomfortable for us guys to be contempt and reassure her that if there are any areas in the relationship that she doesnt feel secure or comfortable on that your willing to wor im on it with her as a partner. Theres very few things i have found in a relationship that can be changed of worked on by just one or the other, it effects you both so both need to be involved in working on it.

Curtis - 32yo - level 34 -
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1 year ago

Keep trying add in one new thing each time she's sure to enjoy it

Alana - 34yo - level 13 -
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1 year ago

It’s definitely important to keep open communications about what’s going on in the bedroom. I say she should be grateful after so long her man still has a drive and wants to spice things up but you also need to consider her day to day and stressors. How you approach her about what you want makes a big difference as well. You know her best and if she’s not responding to a way in which you’re oresenting your needs, maybe you need to approach her differently. Good luck! :)

Jen - 43yo - level 30 -
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1 year ago

She is missing the romance and foreplay. It's now just a wifely duty. Gonna need to step up your game before you start the act.

Lynn - 42yo - level 1 -
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1 year ago

I know it might sound like a dumb suggestion, but have you tried giving her 50 shades of grey, the book, as a present? That book is responsible for a wave of women wanting to try new things in the bedroom, maybe she just needs Some inspiration, other than things you suggest? This way, the suggestions might come from her, alleviating you from the burden of bringing it up.

Steve - 33yo - level 41 -
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1 year ago

Try something a little different. See how she reacts. She may not know anymore about herself than you do. Try a massage beforehand. Candles. Just something.

Pete - 45yo - level 40 -
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1 year ago

Maybe try a new app. Me and my husband of 19 years found another app called desire you and your wife should try it out. You can only play with your partner. It might be just what you and your wife need to help both of you open up together intamantly, and give you the spice in the bedroom you're both looking for.

Angela - 41yo - level 7 -
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1 year ago

Do the new, adventurous things you want to explore as foreplay. Then finish with what your last wants.

Charles - 40yo - level 3 -
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1 year ago

For one make sure she feels sexy it’s hard to want to do something when you are feeling it. Don’t present it as something new to “spice “ it up instead of the same old stuff because she may take that as an insult like you don’t enjoy her. Do things solely to pleasure her so she knows her pleasure is important as well. Look at exploring your sexuality and sensuality together. Do small intimate things that are different to peak her interest. If you are always in control one night while in the mood whisper to her that you want her to take control or vice versa. Remember foreplay can be an all day or a few days before sex. Touch her more and differently at random times. Tell her what no sexual things she does to turn you on. Do something with her she has been asking you to do but it is out of your comfort zone especially if it’s no sexual even if it’s embarrassing. That will make her feel like not only are you willing to make new experiences but it’s a safe place if you guys mess up. Give her a change of scenery as well!

Brittani - 26yo - level 5 -
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1 year ago

Maybe build on intimacy and trust first and introduce new ideas gradually as she begins to feel like you’re interested in her more outside of bedroom too.

Tamasin - 41yo - level 17 -
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1 year ago

Just do it or find another girl

Theo - level 16 -
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1 year ago

I'm having the same problem except it's my husband who is the one who wants the same thing and I want to spice it up. Married for 10 years now. So much for a answer,when I need one too.lol

Tiffany - 37yo - level 36 -
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1 year ago

I’d say try more romantic things outside the bedroom, to spark her interest in the bedroom. Like random back massages for five minutes, foot rubs, kissing her or holding her from behind. Tell her she looks hot when she’s not dressed up. These are things that rev my engine when my man says them to me. You never know; sometimes it’s the things outside the bedroom that help heat things up in the bedroom. Then you can maybe start a conversation about introducing little things one at a time... toys or blindfolds etc and work your way from there.

Brittney - 23yo - level 9 -
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1 year ago

Your wife is being selfish, love is about compromise

Alaina - 21yo - level 14 -
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1 year ago

I need her to compromise with you wanting new things as you do with her wanting the same things and fast. That way everybody is satisfied, the man’s satisfaction matters too.

Audrieanna - 27yo - level 2 -
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1 year ago

Work on you. Get in shape. Develop your hobbies. Start new ones. Update your wardrobe. Become a guy women want to sleep with. Become interesting. She should want to please you. You can’t address her issues, only she can do that, so work on YOU.

Chad - 48yo - level 47 -
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1 year ago

You guys should both compromise and meet in the middle.

Valentina - 21yo - level 4 -
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1 year ago

Start serving her in a female led relationship (flr). Not telling her how to do it but by giving her what SHE needs and wants. A happy wife is more willing to play, then you'll get yours in return.

Matt - 49yo - level 48 -
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1 year ago

Get rid of her or get a girlfriend

Ron - 50yo - level 16 -
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1 year ago

Wow. This is NOT the answer. He did bsay Without causing friction.

Marcie - 33yo - level 26 -
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