15 - 447 - 7 months ago

My partner is a serious introvert. And he even breaks that mold...he just says nothing even though it makes him unhappy and puts it away in his mind. That is him dealing with issues. I am an extravert and know I need to work on things and opposites do attract however we fight badly, in that he goes quite, I stew with all this silence and it goes on for days. I have moved countries to try this living together business before he moves to my country and right now I can't see it working. Any advice?

Jasmine - 37yo - level 47

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7 months ago

This is that kind of thing that you cant change in person, get used to that he is more quiet than you, get it clear with him that he has to be honest and true with you if something bothers him. If he is not working with you that way there is no future as pair.

Elina - 20yo - level 35 -
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7 months ago

Well said!

Stephanie - 39yo - level 14 -
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7 months ago

Talk about what it means to fight well with him—that conflict is not a bad thing, and is an opportunity to strengthen the relationship. Openly talk about how you think you can improve catering to his quietness, and how he can communicate better.

Jacob - 21yo - level 22 -
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7 months ago

I'm also very reserved, and quiet., especially when conflict arises with my wife. We've been married 31 years, and are still learning about each other daily. For example, I just realized (a couple years ago) that my wife processes ideas verbally. I don't. I think and analyze, and by the time I'm ready to share, my wife has often moved on, or interrupts when I take a long pause between thoughts. It helped me, a lot, when my wife explained how important it is that I share (speak). It's still something we have to work at, though. You might want to explore ways the two of you can practice sharing ideas and listening to each other. We bought "Our Moments Couples: 100 Thought Provoking Conversation Starters for Great Relationships - Fun Conversation Cards Game for Couples" in December. At supper we read and answer 1 or 2 questions, practicing speaking truth (even when it touches on private topics), active listening, and probing to understand and support each other. Sometimes we discuss a topic for a half hour (or 3 minutes). This type of activity might help you and your partner grow in your ability to communicate, too. Best wishes!

Jeff - 55yo - level 7 -
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7 months ago

Break up. Humans are not yet evolved for long distance relationships, anyway. If you can’t break up, consider ethical non-monogamy.

Tony - 37yo - level 9 -
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7 months ago

Break up. Humans are not yet evolved for long distance relationships, anyway. If you can’t break up, consider ethical non-monogamy

Tony - 37yo - level 9 -
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7 months ago

Does he go quiet because of his introverted nature or because he is afraid of conflict? If it is his nature, then you need to decide if that is a trait you can live with for the rest of your days. If he is afraid of conflict, you need to try and build up his confidence.

Also, what is the nature of your fights? I'm going to guess that if you are calling them fights then they are quite aggressive with shouting and expressive actions. If the subjects are truly that bad then you need to assess why you are even together. If not, then perhaps you need to assess your behaviour too during these fights.

I can tell you, through our 9 years, my wife and I have never had a shouting or screaming match and if she ever did try that with me, I'd just go quiet too and let her calm down before we resumed any argument.

Peter - 30yo - level 8 -
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7 months ago

If it was meant to be it will work.

Mike - 41yo - level 18 -
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7 months ago

A part of me wants to tell you to run & never look back but it truly depends on the both of you. I have been in a similar situation for 4 years. My mate basically refused to address any issues that we had since he didn't want to "argue". Unfortunately that meant NOTHING was ever resolved. I accommodated him for quite awhile but of course the same issues would occur, since they were constantly put on the back burner, I was always simmering if it occurred again. His way of "defusing" the "argument" would be not to say anything which made me feel like I was talking to myself, thus escalating the conversation into an actual argument to which he would leave to give me time to cool down. I NEVER cooled down & over the years I went from simmering to boiling. Fell into a deep dark depression & became suicidal. He is just now realizing dealing with the problem to resolve it so it doesn't keep happening is what I wanted & now I'm not even sure if I love him anymore or if I am even willing to try to fall in love with him even though we have a child. I don't feel like the "progress he made" was worth my health, time, & happiness. Perhaps you will feel differently, perhaps your relationship won't be as unfortunate as mine.

Chili - 34yo - level 7 -
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7 months ago

Figure out the core issues of why your fighting

Rocky - 43yo - level 6 -
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7 months ago

Therapy. And I don't mean that in a trite way. It sounds like he would really benefit from working thru some things with a trained counselor. I'd ask about his childhood or what his life has looked like so you can find where the trauma stems from and then go from there

Charlynn - 27yo - level 37 -
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7 months ago

I am the exact same way as your partner. For me, I excel more with nonverbal communication. For instance, my partner didn’t like that I don’t tell her I love her as much as she tells me. I never saw this as an issue because I know that I love her and assumed she knew automatically. So now, instead of pushing myself out of who I am and saying it as often as she does, we’ve come up with the system of tapping three times to say I love you. Whether that’s on her back, on a table, or whatever. And I love that so much more. It makes me feel much more in control of how I say I love her. Maybe you just need to change the perspective on how your partner communicates and find how they best interact with the world around them.

Josiah - 22yo - level 21 -
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7 months ago

Maybe try nonverbal forms of communication, such as a email change, as long as it comes from a place of love that can sometime be a useful line of communication...I think even happy couple provided those sort of opportunities

Matthew - 39yo - level 35 -
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7 months ago

Go with your gut feeling your intuition almost 100 precent it's always going to be the right choice but I also am a guy so because of that I can totally relate to why he clams up and doesn't give his opinion or input on certain matters or issues you see some men just like to go about life stress and drama free so by not saying anything that's are way of not dealing with an argument or a dispute even if the fact of the matter is that we totally wanna give are suggestion and have are say so in it we tend to just be quiet but at the same time we will give off negative smart ass comments gestures and body language whatever it takes to get our point accrossed that we aren't happy or satisfied with the choice or decision that was made just so long as we don't acctually speak or verbally give or input on whatever the issue or matter was that has become a bigger issue obviously by not giving our input or opinion on the issue or matter do that way technically we can say that are negative and foul attitude and mood is in regards of something totally of the matter at hand so it's kind of like when we do that we expect the lady to automatically read are minds and know that we didn't like the option chosen does that make any sense to you at all I hope it helped you to understand how onery and stubborn one person can really be alot of it is pride and entitlement

Michael - 35yo - level 9 -
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7 months ago

Build safety. Both extroverts and introverts, male and female, need to feel safe to express their feelings.
Try to build safety. If that doesn’t seem to be working, try to talk about building safety (without addressing any conflicts).

Larz - 33yo - level 28 -
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7 months ago

I think no matter how different you appear to be, there are similarities between you and your partner. Otherwise, why did you even start all that? I think you can either focus on things that you guys are similar on or try to create some changes in order to maintain the relationship.

Woody - level 1 -
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