54 - 662 - 9 months ago

I'm not very career focused while my girlfriend is. While I'm into a respectable profession and job, she earns 10 times of what i do. Will it create any issues in future? How can i know if it will work out?

Raunak - 27yo - level 31

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Answer from Dr. Lonnie Barbach

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Unfortunately, one never knows what the future will bring, but talking directly about the issue is the best way to express your concerns and learn about your partner’s feelings. How do you feel about earning what you earn? How does your partner feel about earning much more than you? Does she expect you to earn more in the future? How will you divide expenses if your incomes are vastly different? How important is money to each of you, etc. etc. Basically, if your feelings are out in the open and you are able to talk about issues and resolved them when they come up, the relationship will last. When you don’t talk about things, resentments build up and that is what leads to a relationship not working.

Reactions (53)

9 months ago

As a man it's your God given responsibility to provide for your family. However a woman earning more than u do may create some sort of insecurity within you and low self esteem. First make peace with yourself and accept the status quo and also ensure that you are communicating effectively with your girlfriend without hiding any fears that both of you might have.

Robert - 30yo - level 30 -
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9 months ago

Why should it be a problem? I mean maybe if she is always at work or if she always priorities it over you, but that is not a question of money. If she really earns 10 times plus of someone with a respectable job, it means you will have no problem of money, which is quite good for a couple, if you ask me! Also, the fact that she is passionate about something means she will be happier and it would be easier for you too: someone not happy about their life in a couple could bring the other one down too.

Cecilia - 29yo - level 26 -
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9 months ago

This won’t be politically correct, but Yes it will be an issue. There will be an imbalance of power. Even if she doesn’t voice it, women want a man to be a provider, and someone she can look up to with awe and admiration. She will Probabaly end up resenting you. It’s not a match.

Melissa - 33yo - level 29 -
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9 months ago

I don’t think all women want the man to be the provider- some might not care. But you won’t know unless you ask her if she thinks it’s a problem.

Emma - 20yo - level 43 -
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9 months ago

The likely answer is yes. It is not necessarily because you make less money but rather the lack of effort to be a good partner. A relationship that can withstand the unavoidable ups and downs of it, requires a full commitment emotionally, physically and financially.

In the end, it comes down to the proverbial "poop hits the fan", and whether you can rely on each other to get yourselves out of it. By you having a lackadesical approach to work, it's a signal that you are not mature enough to commit to a long term relationship.

Ed - level 27 -
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9 months ago

You should be proud of her. In a partnership there will always be one who makes more money. Support her and her goals and be proud you have an amazing woman

anonymous - 26yo - level 28 -
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9 months ago

Doesn’t really matter. She makes as much as I do working 14 days a month. I’ll be retired and making about half of that in a year. What’s mine is hers and what’s hers is mine. We work together as a team.

Ryan - 44yo - level 33 -
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9 months ago

Money should be a means for us and our family to survive, live, learn, enjoy and thrive. Money should never be at the forefront of our thoughts unless there is something we really need to save for or purchase. Where the money comes from and who earns the most shouldn't be a concern for us. We are a team and we have each others back no matter what. As long as neither of us is spending money in secret especially to buy something that the other wouldn't agree with or we are really struggling to survive which geniuses like us never are, or could be. Money should never be an issue for us because we should always share everything. At least close to equally. One should never be left feeling hard done by or taken advantage

Jack - 35yo - level 24 -
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9 months ago

Don’t let it be a problem. Just split the bills and all is good, but don’t go and see it as a trouble if she wants to spoil you with some gifts or trips. She’s doing it because she wants to, not to prove she earns more.

Luiza - 25yo - level 43 -
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9 months ago

The only reason why it may be a problem is if it makes you feel uncomfortable (for any reason) and you don't talk about it!

Peek - 25yo - level 36 -
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9 months ago

My relationship has the same dynamic. It will only become an issue if you do not openly talk about the financial responsibilities you may share with your partner. We have made it priority to talk about the differences and how it makes us both feel. You have to decide what making less money Is more important or the love you share between the two of you is.

Leslie - 28yo - level 32 -
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9 months ago

Talk together. If she is happy with her job and you are happy with yours, it will probably work out.

Heather - level 42 -
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9 months ago

You can't ever know if any relationship will work out. The reality is that every relationship you'll ever have will end until one doesn't. And you won't know which one that is because you'll be dead. As for your girlfriend making more money than you, get over it dude, it's 2018. If you're not happy in your career, then make a change. But do it for yourself, not because of some outdated machismo bullshit.

Jon - 44yo - level 15 -
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9 months ago

It could create issues. Ask her how she feels about it and go from there.

carol - 55yo - level 36 -
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9 months ago

Yes it will

Greg - 35yo - level 10 -
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9 months ago

You won't know. Sounds like you 2 should have a serious talk about how you both feel about your careers and rolls in the relationship. Everyone's perspectives are different. I think it is important to be passionate about what you do regardless of pay...at the same time when you're considering things like lifestyle, kids, etc. then it's necessary to be realistic and mindful of your profession and what your relationship needs with regard to things like time and money. Dont compare yourself or beat yourself....talk with your partner and see how they feel.

Brianna - 28yo - level 4 -
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9 months ago

The best way to figure out is to simply ask her. If you are comfortable with your salary and feel passionate about your career of choice, I personally think that’s the most important thing! Ask her what her priorities and goals are. Be honest. Take a look at her family culture and values as well. This isn’t the 1950’s anymore, men shouldn’t be held to the strict standard of “breadwinner” or feel ashamed that some women generate more income. Good luck and let your love guide you!

Risa - 26yo - level 12 -
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9 months ago

I think nowadays, who makes more money isn't determined by sex organs anymore. All families have different division of bringing home the bacon. My lady character brings more home myself. It all matters if there is acceptance and understanding on how the house is run. Me, I do feel self conscious sometimes for making less but I just try to bring other things to the table.
Bottom line: it is all about respect and communication.

Jayson - 42yo - level 44 -
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9 months ago

I don't see why it should cause any issues, if you both enjoy your jobs and work hard the passion and salary difference aren't important.

Billie - 31yo - level 4 -
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9 months ago

It could if you dont put equal effort and care into the life your partner is working towards and dreaming of with you. Its fine not to make as much, thats not the problem. But spouses have to support eachothers ambitions. If one spouse holds the other back or isnt supportive or doesnt try to be more accomodating, it can become a point of resentment.

anonymous - 32yo - level 9 -
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9 months ago

Either get ambitious, make more money to make to comfortable or be comfortable with the financial situations you both are in. If she's not making it an issue, than you shouldn't. If you're not comfortable with it, then you need to fix it because if you don't you're insecurities will ruin your relationship.

Gerard - level 31 -
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9 months ago

It depends on how each of you value it in others. If she expects a partner to match her drive, she may resent you. But likewise you may begin to feel uncomfortable with the imbalance

Sasha - 30yo - level 25 -
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9 months ago

Totally depends on you both. It can be problematic for some people, but not everyone.

Michael - 43yo - level 32 -
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9 months ago

Depends on your Ego.

Garren - 41yo - level 22 -
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9 months ago

The only way to know is to keep going. As long as she doesn't rub it in your face it should be fine

Andy - 48yo - level 42 -
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9 months ago

It depends on both your feelings about it... talk! I've made easily 4x my husband's salary for 20 years. Its never once bothered me because hes a hard worker and loves his job

Davida - 38yo - level 43 -
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9 months ago

It depends on both your feelings about it... talk! I've made easily 4x my husband's salary for 20 years. Its never once bothered me because hes a hard worker and loves his job.

Davida - 38yo - level 43 -
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9 months ago

It wont. Only a matter of time before shes resentful.

anonymous - 36yo - level 18 -
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9 months ago

i would expect her to do her best at motivating me into getting a better job, so therefore we can both have a very successful life together

Jonathon - 34yo - level 20 -
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9 months ago

Money has no business being a part of any relationship. Coming from someone who makes 10x more than his wife, you should understand that your role as a partner is one and the same for the both of you. You are to glorify your partner, and make their life easier as you can. This is a two way street. You are to be who you are, and love them for who they are. Money, materials, and possessions have no place in a relationship.

Ryan - 35yo - level 40 -
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9 months ago

It will only create a problem if you let it. If a problem does occur maybe you two aren't right for each other. Being with someone shouldn't rely on their salary or anything so that shouldn't be a problem in true love

John - 27yo - level 1 -
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9 months ago

As long as you are ok with her taking care of you and paying for trips,etc... Then it will be fine, but if you let your ego get hurt, then there will be problems. She will want to do things you can't afford, so she will be happy to pay for you, but if you feel insecure, it'll get in the way.

Nikki - 40yo - level 35 -
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9 months ago

To answer your first question, I don’t know if it will create any issues in the future. It depends on if you’re insecure that you make way less than her or if she’s resentful that she makes more than you. However, you also might not care that she makes way more than you (more money is always a nice thing), and she might not care that you make less as long as you work hard and enjoy what you do. To answer your second question, well duh, just ask her. Ask if she feels any sort of pressure to provide for both of you, or if she’s harboring some resentment if she feels that you don’t have any more career aspirations, or if she just doesn’t care. Just ask.

Emma - 20yo - level 43 -
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9 months ago

As long as she is happy and you too get along well there should never be an issue cause I would be for anyone who may be smarter than me and I do know that there is always someone smarter or better. And if you can't handle it then it won't work and it may be better to let it go. A good saying I learned goes good with this and you figure out the meaning. Stolen bread tastes sweet but turns to gravel in the mouth there are many meanings you choose one that fits you.

James - 45yo - level 9 -
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9 months ago

Healthy communication will be a big part of keeping everyone happy

Jacqueline - 24yo - level 7 -
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9 months ago

Oh boy, it is really hard to say. Really depends on your relationship and your communicating skills. If she is not happy about providing for you both then she should voice it. Sure if she loves you it won't be a big deal and if other parts of your relationship work then I don't see an issue.
Just talk to her and figure it out together <3

Julia - 20yo - level 35 -
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9 months ago

There is always the thought that you may be jealous of her income. That would be your issue to get over. On the other hand she may become disgruntled with you seeming 'stagnant' perhaps. For this you just have to make sure she sees you are pulling your own weight. All one can ever do is try as hard as they can. Goodluck!

anonymous - 23yo - level 20 -
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9 months ago

It could work out but if I could bet on it, I would bet against it working out Just you asking this question is a red flag that you are already aware of the potential issues that you will face.

Daniel - 54yo - level 28 -
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9 months ago

You never know until you are I. The middle of it.

Whether it will cause issues or not all depends on you. Are you the kid of guy who can handle not being the primary breadwinner; or you will be bitter about it?
Also, if she has an intense job that takes a lot of Tim and attention (and overtime, etc) will you be ok having most of her time and attention diverted away from you and your family life?

Jared - 33yo - level 19 -
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9 months ago

It won't as long as the love u both share is true! There is a same situation with me as well so relax.

Rishabh Singh - 27yo - level 31 -
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9 months ago

The money thing should be discussed if you have any apprehensions about it. If there are any issues talk to your partner, but you won't know how it will work out long term. No one really will, because it's impossible to predict the future. Talking openly about your expectations though always helps.

Steve - 37yo - level 45 -
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9 months ago

Clearly you both have to respect and love each other regardless of salary. But in terms of wisdom, I recommend that you become career-driven enough that your future wife can take off for maternity leave and to raise children if you want that. As long as you plan to eventually pool your money together, you should be fine.

Sterling - 30yo - level 21 -
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9 months ago

I don't think her making 10 times more than you do should be a problem. However, if she brings up how much she gets paid and how much you get paid often, then yes that's a problem. But both of your income shouldn't matter if you two are in love and happy. If you're really that worried, I would suggest to sit down and talk to her to have a heart to heart conversation to see how she feels.

Solina - 24yo - level 25 -
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9 months ago

Be careful, a close friend is in a similar situation. He works two regular jobs, as a Currier and a guard. His girlfriend now, / wife before, was always on him about money. She's a professional who earns a lot more than he does. As an example, she would take a vacation, but because he couldn't afford the entire ticket (Hawaii) she wouldn't contribute, so he didn't go. I know not all people are like this, and it brings into question her own personal values.

Douglas - 55yo - level 32 -
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9 months ago

Be careful, a close friend is in a similar situation. He works two regular jobs, as a Currier and a guard. His girlfriend now, / wife before, was always on him about money. She's a professional who earns a lot more than he does. As an example, she would take a vacation, but because he couldn't afford the entire ticket (Hawaii) she wouldn't contribute, so he didn't go.

Douglas - 55yo - level 32 -
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9 months ago

If there is respect for each other nothing comes in between.

Amrita - 27yo - level 25 -
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9 months ago

Yes, I agree that you should discuss what this means in terms of your future plans together. For example, if you are both planning to have a family in the future, will you be happy to be the stay at home parent if your family required this because you earn less? Would your partner be happy to go back into full time work after becoming a parent? It’s all great now and that’s good, enjoy it. There is no harm however, on keeping an eye on the future.

anonymous - 40yo - level 20 -
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9 months ago

You shouldn't ever let y'all pay rate get in between you and yr gf

Barb - 29yo - level 6 -
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9 months ago

It shouldn't matter to any of you because both of you are satisfied with what you are doing in your lives. Regarding money you can think in this way also- suppose you were earning 10 times more than her will that make her insecure about your relationship? If the answer is NO then you shouldn't feel the same burden in your head. Real happiness lies in satisfaction and if both of you are satisfied then it will definitely help you grow both personally as well as professionally. So keep loving each other with full Respect and faith. :)

Shweta - 27yo - level 46 -
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9 months ago

Her making more money is not a big deal, as long as she doesn't throw it in your face all the time making you feel less masculine, and you are letting her down.

Larry - 41yo - level 32 -
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9 months ago

I think that at this time, as long as it is transparency.. thrn things should be great. However, if she is pulling most of the weight for too long, it could become an issue

Jocelyn - 37yo - level 15 -
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9 months ago

If she loves you, she loves you. It doesnt matter who makes more money. Sounds fun to me.

Matt - 38yo - level 33 -
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9 months ago

As long as she sees you have a strong passionate drive about something in your life, if she really loves you, finances won’t dictate if she stays or if she goes.

Blayr - 29yo - level 18 -
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9 months ago

If you really think it’s going to be an issue then this is something you and your partner should sit down and talk about.

Zanelle - 19yo - level 3 -
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