2 - 81 - 3 months ago

My partner has fight or flight mode when we disagree on things,we have no communication,so when I don't do what she wants, not for selfish reasons usually its because I'm in pain or tired from going all day, she gets pissed and leaves me and then says I kicked her out, and goes to a motel was only 1 night but she has left me 10 times and the last time was 3 days. She came home after I found her and begged her to come back. The next day I start getting messages from a strange # saying they have been with her and knew things only we talk about, I'm really trying to trust her and she says she didn't get with anyone or talk to anyone! How do I get past this and trust her???

Wendy - 45yo - level 1

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3 months ago

Some people do leave when arguing because they can't handle it or they dont know how to communicate or have the right words to say at the time. But my opinion I could be wrong so don't think I'm spitting venom im just giving you my answers from experience. She is SELFISH because if shr knows you are tired or in pain she should understand. I understand you want to trust her because when trust is gone its hard to get it back. If she leaves for a whole night or leaves you 10 times something is going on. You had to beg her to come back. A person that wants to be with you will not leave as many times or have you begging for them to come back. Whatever is done in the dark will definitely come to the light. It may come up now later but it will come. Do not be blinded because you love her an want to be with her. Actions speak louder than words. You have to start stepping up an not be so soft not saying be disrespectful but it may take some rudeness for her to RESPECT YOU BECAUSE SHE DOES NOT RESPECT YOU. SHE KEEPS DOING THE SAME SHIT OVER AN OVER BECAUSE YOU EXCEPT IT. SHE IS BASICALLY ABUSING HER AUTHORITY. SHE IS RUNNING OVER YOU.

Kay - 30yo - level 1 -
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3 months ago

She sounds emotionally manipulative. It usual happens with people who have experienced past trauma as a defence mechanism. Often there's a deep fear of rejection or insecurity so the person tries to reject people before they themself are rejected. But they then turn around and blame the other person for making them act in certain ways.

This is a hard one. I hope you've got other people or family you can talk to.

The only way to resolve is to talk it through and you'd have to do that outside of an existing argument so try and pick a time to talk when she is in a good mood and you can talk about what good communication looks like and what trust looks like. Depends how committed she is as to whether she will be receptive. Try to make it about behaviour you want to see more of, not about blaming each other for past behaviour.

If you're struggling you do need to look after yourself.
Sometimes we can't help other people and as painful as it is we have to let them go. I had to do this with my ex who I still love last year. For both our sakes.

Hope it all works out for you

Kyla - 36yo - level 22 -
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