47 - 1683 - 2 months ago

I met my ex partner (ex girlfriend) two years ago, everything was perfect and we were happy. When we got pregnant she focussed on other stuff, work friends and herself, I felt abandoned and we spend less time together, I felt lonely and started seeing someone else for a few months, but I wasn’t happy. I decided to focus on the mother of my unborn baby and give her my best.
We moved in together and had a baby, she discovered my affair and as much as I tried to lie about it to protect her and the baby she found out the truth.
Things changed from there, we broke up and she ended up sleeping with someone I know.
We have been blessed with a beautiful baby boy but we can’t let go of the hurt and pain we both caused to each other. I still love her and I want us to be a family. How do we get past this and forgive? How do I assure her that this will never happen again.
We lost the trust and honesty. She lives with her mother and I moved on my own.
Please advice .

Tee - level 1

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2 months ago

Make sure the well being of your child comes first. Know that you are not owed forgiveness, but be willing to work to regain trust tirelessly.
Really revisit what happened and where your shortcomings lied, address them, become a better person and share with her what you realized about yourself and what you‘ll do and have already done to become better.

Acknowledge to her (but maybe more importantly to yourself) that what you did was selfish, cheating itself, but also lying about it and hiding it.
You did it to save yourself, not to protect her. She probably needs to hear that you understand this, and see that you‘ve grown to a point where you would now behave differently.
Grown to a point that if there is an issue in your relationship and you feel your needs are not being addressed, to seek communication and mutual resolutions instead of going out to satisfy your needs. A relationship only works with strong commitment especially when the going gets tough, and count on that happening.
If all of this sounds like it’s worth it to you fight for it!
If you don‘t think you‘re ready (which also takes strength admitting, do your best to co-parent with your sons well being at heart and try to be friends.

Alec - 23yo - level 26 -
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2 months ago

You have to know what you two both have done, understand it by telling her why you started talking to another girl cause you felt left out and abandoned by her, and she will have to explain her side about sleeping with the person you knew. And if you two both truly love each other and still want a family and future together, this struggle/problem you two are facing will and should only make your relationship stronger. By the both of you never wanting to hurt each other feelings ever again and actually talking about your feelings when they arise instead of not saying anything and doing whatever to try and fix them on your own. You two gotta fix them together and work on stuff together. I know this personally cause this happened to me in my life almost to a T, and me and my girlfriend now Ave are second kid and are together now 7 years and will be 8years this November. Just remember no relationship is perfect and everyone screws up, but honestly and forgiveness is a huge part of it. Don't get me wrong she's always going to be hurt and upset about what you did, and I'm sure your always going to feel some type of way about what she did, but you both have to figure out what's more important to the both of you. Together and apart. And only then you two can start to move on, but start over. Don't have to act like it's the first date, but act like you two are still trying to get to know each other, what each other likes and wants and needs in life in a relaton ship. Which will only bring you two closer and connect on a more personal intimate level. I hope this helps,

William - 27yo - level 17 -
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2 months ago

When I read this post above and wanted to comment, I was going to give a pretty structured and long but ofcourse also very helpul response.

IbukunOluwa - 26yo - level 8 -
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2 months ago

But I decided to go ahead and read comments first and see what others have written so I can applaud them. This your response I must say is so true and brilliant. Thanks.

IbukunOluwa - 26yo - level 8 -
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2 months ago

And really, you're very right!
I wish there was a way to move this post up for him to be able to read it sooner than later.

IbukunOluwa - 26yo - level 8 -
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2 months ago

I'll love to re-emphasize this, "but honesty and forgiveness is a huge part of it".
@Tee, You both have to agree henceforth to re-build your relationship on TRUST, OPENESS & LOYALTY.

IbukunOluwa - 26yo - level 8 -
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2 months ago

Good for you Kaitlyn, my wife and I are going through a similar situation and things are better than they have ever been. *(Quick side bar...about ten comments up, “Jamie” was pretty harsh with her comment...I agree with her in saying that cheating and lying are pathetic, but calling the person who posted this pathetic and saying that someone who cheated and lied doesn’t deserve anything good is an extremely despicable and immature thing to say and way of thinking) That being said, cheating on my wife and lying about it was the most selfish, disgusting, pathetic and idiotic thing I’ve ever done in my life. I feel horrible about it and will never forgive myself for the rest of my life. As horrible as it was that I committed this god awful sin, something good came out of it. I realized how it made her feel as well as how hurting her made me feel and I was absolutely disgusted with myself. I promised my wife and myself that I would never do that to her again. Instantly I changed...I turned into a completely different person and realized that the way I went about our relationship in the past was nowhere near how I wanted to be and am now. We’ve never been happier. So to all the people who say that the relationship is dead/over with don’t know what they are talking about. Just because you think and feel a certain way about a situation like this, doesn’t mean that the guy should give up hope. Furthermore, if your telling this guy it’s over because of a past experience in your life doesn’t mean that it’s going to go the same way for him. You fucked up bro, you made a monumental mistake. You need to own it and work on yourself to make sure you never hurt her or anyone like that ever again. Focus on your kid and wether you are in a relationship with her or not...treat her the way she deserves to be treated. HINT: Like the Queen of your world. Good luck buddy and good luck Kaitlyn, I’ll pray for you both.

Derek Burt - level 3 -
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2 months ago

Co-parent for the child n move on. Once the trust has been broken, u will always have that suspicion. It will pave the way for each of u to drive yourselves crazy.

Jamie - 39yo - level 6 -
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2 months ago

Don’t give up on her if you want that. Be the man she wants you to be. Do the things she doesn’t expect you to. give your time and attention.

Jenna - 35yo - level 24 -
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2 months ago

You don’t get past cheating.

Michael - 43yo - level 3 -
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2 months ago

You fucked up. Cut you losses and try to salvage a co-parent relationship with her. Who knows, after she’s had a few bad relationships, and you kill it doing the father thing, then maybe you’ll be a family again. But but betrayal carves the deepest wounds. It takes time for someone to come back from that.

Joe - level 11 -
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2 months ago

If you BOTH really, truly love each other and you BOTH want to make it work than you have to forgive and let go and decide that you choose happiness together or regrets alone. Love and relationships really aren't that complicated. Either you want someone enough to do what has to be done or you don't. From my own personal experiences, love and relationships are not the constant work that some claim it has to be. If your relationship doesn't just happen naturally, if the forgiveness can't ever be found, and common courtesy and mutual respect are strangers to you both, then chances are you are just chasing after what you think is the right thing and not what you feel is the right thing. If it is for the baby sake, then decide to be good parents together, become friends for your child and forget the past. Don't force your child to grow up only knowing unhealthy relationships. If things don't work out, then that's ok too. Cherish the time you had together, let go of the resentment and hurt and focus on the beautiful life you both created together. Then the next time you find yourself feeling alone and isolated from your partner, don't make the same foolish mistakes as you did this time.

Jada - 41yo - level 8 -
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1 month ago

Thank you all for your comments, I wanna take this moment to show my gratitudes. You have immensely contributed positively to my overall development and emotional strength.
Unfortunately I had to let her go, it’s the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It’s painful and agonizing.
I hanged on and endured the pain for so long trying to fight on.
If you love someone have room to let them go for their own happiness.
I have chosen to focus on my happiness and self.
Thank you all

Tee - level 1 -
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2 months ago

Baby steps. You will have to gain her trust and she will have to show you the proper affection you seek. Counseling may help guide you two on the right path.

Jessie - level 17 -
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2 months ago

Trust is the key. Why don’t you guys just start completely over. Go on dates, which both of you taking turns with arranging a babysitter for y’all’s baby. Talk let on the phone again. Tell each truths about each that the other may not know. Just simply get to know each other again. Life has changed you both.

Tiwanda - 37yo - level 4 -
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2 months ago

I think that if you love her and she loves you
You both can go to Therapy but if you are going to come back and be arguing in front of your children, I think you should make your life better, but if you really love each other, I think it can work if you are going to therapy.But if they really love each other because if they don't love each other they can't force love even with you

Paulina - 20yo - level 1 -
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2 months ago

You two should definitely seek professional help because a counselor will help you hash out your feelings and communicate better

Ramona - 27yo - level 15 -
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2 months ago

You should read the book The 5 love language by Gary Chapman
This you also have to realize love is a choice and so is forgiveness you have to choose to forgive and love each other and you have to love one another in the language that the other feels love
People feel love in different ways
You have to learn how each other feel loved first and then choose to love each other in that way
As far as forgiveness the hurt wont necessarily go away but you both can make a choice to not let it stop you all from loving one another and can choose to build back up trust and not let it happen again

De - 25yo - level 1 -
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2 months ago

Your relationship ended when you had an affair. That is the point of no return.

Liam - 20yo - level 37 -
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2 months ago

Doing gratitude for each other really helped our relationship.

Mary - 40yo - level 8 -
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2 months ago

If it’s meant to work out then let God handle it. Focus on yourself and child for now.

Syreeta - 32yo - level 1 -
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2 months ago

Its obviously no longer about the two of you....you have a child that should be top priority...
Just focus on the important things at hand...
Everything happens for a reason...
Just take it one day at a time....

Seneida - 35yo - level 3 -
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2 months ago

Nobody adds an additional partner who are meant to be together. When you are with the right person, that never happens. Move on and be grateful you don't have to spend years trying to bring back to life a dead relationship.

Alan - 63yo - level 15 -
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2 months ago

You need to start from the beginning if that's something you both want and when I say beginning, I mean just friends and if you both decide to try again, be honest and open about how you feel especially when you feel neglected and take the time to talk to one another every day.

Ashley - 29yo - level 10 -
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2 months ago

You're pathetic for cheating and lying!! People who cheat in any way and lie, do not deserve another chance or anything good!

Jamie - level 22 -
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2 months ago

Move on! Just move... on,

Cynthia - 31yo - level 11 -
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2 months ago

Your child comes first.However, both of you stepped in some poop because neither one of you were willing to communicate before things got worse.Talk about how felt lonely and then let her tell her side and listen.if it doesn’t work out still take care of your child and move on.

Shana - 23yo - level 2 -
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2 months ago

If you both love each other and willing to do what it takes to prove to each other that you do love one another and all you need is each other it can work , but you should have never cheated on her and then she would have never cheated on you cuz she had to feel wanted and you cheating on her can make someone feel like something is wrong with them. Be there for your child and her.

Quintana - 43yo - in a relationship for 12 years - Married - 2 - Ceres ca, United States - level 11 -
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2 months ago

Forget everything and move on. This is the life. After your death, no one knows you. So life life blissfully.

Milan - 28yo - level 6 -
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2 months ago

Be the best dad you can be and and talk with her if she said move on then move on

Crystal - 37yo - level 2 -
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2 months ago

It takes time to heal from that. I mean a lot of time, but it can be worked through. I would suggest counseling and complete transparency throughout the relationship. No secrets about anything. Y'all should have one discussion about it if y'all choose to and those topics shouldn't be brought up again.

Serenity - 26yo - level 8 -
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2 months ago

just don't give up ur happiness

Kay - 16yo - level 11 -
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2 months ago

You both need work on yourselves and being the best parents to your little guy. I would suggest counseling so you both can coparent to the best your ability as a united front.

Kelsey - 27yo - level 32 -
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2 months ago

Be the best father and keep new dating down to little to nothing. Then, be there for mom. Work your way back into it. But suspicion from both of yous may never fade away. So maybe just move on.

Kyle - 28yo - level 12 -
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2 months ago

If she was distant for that long, and you cheated, she might not feel like it's worth the effort to improve that for you. Every person reacts differently to different situations, but most people in her situation wouldn't want to get back together. It might be time to take a look at yourself from a different perspective and see what you can do to improve yourself and to be the person you want to be. Once you achieve your own personal goals, you might look at her from a different perspective as well. And, if she sees the change in you, that should tell her more than words could ever say.

Russ - 39yo - level 42 -
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2 months ago

Make her geek like she is the only one you want flowers, taking pictures, picking her outfits she doesn't realize compliment her NEW curves..be the punching bag with in reason.

Felicia - 31yo - level 10 -
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2 months ago

I wouldn't trust a man that, besides cheating, tried to cover it up by lying.
I don't know how effectively you usually communicate though and can't say if there's a way this could work out.
Just giving you this perspective since everyone else doesn't seem to cover it.

Annalena - 21yo - level 20 -
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2 months ago

Both of u must realize what happened u did something but so did she make sure she realizes what u want

Tareva - 13yo - level 3 -
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2 months ago

Both of you have to realize what you've done and decide if continuing the relationship is possible. Alot of times people are unable to get over the sting of infidelity and will continue to peel the scab off of the wound instead of allowing it to heal properly. Learn from your mistakes and move forward. It's silly and hurtful to both parties to keep reminding the other of a very poor choice.

Nicole - 38yo - level 1 -
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2 months ago

If you're clear that reconciliation is what you truly want; and if it's for reasons surrounding HER and not for the sake of a child; then genuine atonement is the next steps. "Sorry" is communicated differently, and you must learn to speak not only her love language, but her apology language as well. There is a supplemental book by Gary Chapman on the apology languages - highly suggest you read it. (Wouldn't hurt for her to know you're reading it as well).

Misty - 42yo - level 7 -
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2 months ago

I have been through a similar situation. I feel your pain I'm so sorry your or any one who has gone through a similar situation. On the plus side of this its been 5 years and me and my husband are going strong at first we would have our good times and bad! But when you love some one that much any one will be about to work out anything as long as your both 100% honest from here on out and clean the slate... it's almost like starting over. That's what I suggest. Good luck!

Kaitlyn - 30yo - level 4 -
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2 months ago

Good for you Kaitlyn, my wife and I are going through a similar situation and things are better than they have ever been. *(Quick side bar...about ten comments up, “Jamie” was pretty harsh with her comment...I agree with her in saying that cheating and lying are pathetic, but calling the person who posted this pathetic and saying that someone who cheated and lied doesn’t deserve anything good is an extremely despicable and immature thing to say and way of thinking) That being said, cheating on my wife and lying about it was the most selfish, disgusting, pathetic and idiotic thing I’ve ever done in my life. I feel horrible about it and will never forgive myself for the rest of my life. As horrible as it was that I committed this god awful sin, something good came out of it. I realized how it made her feel as well as how hurting her made me feel and I was absolutely disgusted with myself. I promised my wife and myself that I would never do that to her again. Instantly I changed...I turned into a completely different person and realized that the way I went about our relationship in the past was nowhere near how I wanted to be and am now. We’ve never been happier. So to all the people who say that the relationship is dead/over with don’t know what they are talking about. Just because you think and feel a certain way about a situation like this, doesn’t mean that the guy should give up hope. Furthermore, if your telling this guy it’s over because of a past experience in your life doesn’t mean that it’s going to go the same way for him. You fucked up bro, you made a monumental mistake. You need to own it and work on yourself to make sure you never hurt her or anyone like that ever again. Focus on your kid and wether you are in a relationship with her or not...treat her the way she deserves to be treated. HINT: Like the Queen of your world. Good luck buddy and good luck Kaitlyn, I’ll pray for you both.

Derek Burt - level 3 -
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2 months ago

If you really want her back and you love her you got to let her have her time and you need to take your time and let that heal your wounds continue to show her that you care and that you're willing to be there for the family don't give up on your chats your second chance spell of good luck

Ronnie - 50yo - level 6 -
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2 months ago

Just be patient with her , listen to her be open and consider all of her demands. Try and go out of you're way to show her you're 100 percent trust worthy. Be romantic and plan time with her show her how special she is to you. If you love her this much is going to be easy for you.

Michelle - 33yo - level 2 -
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2 months ago

Communication is always key in a relationship so when she started to push away you should of let her know. You should never push your partner away when big things happen in life. Yall will never be able to get past what happened but you can always try therapy and working past it so yall can become a family again

Katie shiver - 20yo - level 4 -
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2 months ago

There is not no getting past the unfortunate situation but you both did something you regret... a lot of talking and hanging out together, doing things together to bring you closer and eventually you can get there. Just stay focused on her and create new trust. I've been there. It can work.

Angela - 39yo - level 10 -
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2 months ago

Therapy and work through it. Relationship is built in trust. If there's no trust there is no relationship.

Nikki - 36yo - level 9 -
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2 months ago

No way either will ever get passed the affair and her selfishness. Divorce and move on. That's the only way to be fair to the child.

Joseph - level 14 -
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2 months ago

If she is willing, go to couples therapy a d lots of it, you must be willing to take the off again and again punches she's Gunna throw at you, my husband made a mistake on the internet a d it nearly destroyed us, it took me years to finally actually forgive him and trust him but it happens , she can forgive and forget a little,.you both have to work real effing hard especially you, we were married when it happened to us and we still are you can and will both overcome this if she's willing to and you are prepared for the yet to come... I'll be praying for you 🙏 and the baby

Suzy Lechowicz - 47yo - level 22 -
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2 months ago

Sometimes you can't let go and fix things. I'm gonna be blunt and tell you know no matter what you do she's always gonna have it in her mind that your gonna cheat or lie and it's gonna stress her out.

Kelsey - 26yo - level 1 -
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2 months ago

First, you need to sit down with her and talk about what you two want in life and see if y'all want the same things or have the same goals and if she feels the same about you. If so, you both have to be an open book with each other and might have to do something for each other you might not want to, but if you really love her and want her back and same with her, it's worth it (ex: tracker, letting each other see the others phone or emails etc, basically to prove you have nothing to hide) ask her what would show her or what would help her understand that you want to be truthful and honest and see what y'all come up with together. I'm speaking from experience with this... It takes A LOT of growing up to be straight and honest with each other it also takes alot to fully forgive. Hurt gets in the way of that sometimes. You both need to take responsibility for your actions that hurt each other in the first place. (example: l'm sorry I cheated on you, I was feeling very left out or abandoned at the time, I now know where I fucked up and I know what I need to do to fix it and not let it happen again, if you just give me a chance... ) Time heals everything.

Tiffany - 33yo - level 30 -
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2 months ago

Sounds like you weren't happy with the mother of your child or the girlfriend in between. I would say you haven't found the right person for you. I would not spend time on distractions. I would not spend time looking for "true love". Focus on advancing yourself and how to support your son. Being a father doesn't mean you must be husband of the mother. You can be a great father without ties to the mother. You have a lot of living ahead of you and the best is yet to come.

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