52 - 993 - 3 months ago

My fiance and I are constantly arguing and fighting. It never gets physical but the verbal can get pretty bad. We have tried breaking our relationship off but it's never long before we're back together because it hurts more to be apart than it does to be together. We love each other way too much. We'll do just about anything it takes to save our relationship from being destroyed. What should we do?

Justin - 25yo - level 1

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3 months ago

Set boundaries for your arguments. Find a therapist you're both comfortable with to help you learn how to deal with your triggers in healthier ways and express your frustrations constructively. You're a team fighting a problem, not opponents fighting each other. And commit to resolving issues with kindness. If you're in the wrong, apologize and ask forgiveness. If your partner is in the wrong, try to be understanding - let them know what actions or words are hurting you ("When you said X, it made me feel like Y." NOT "You're so mean. I can't believe you did that!") You may be interpreting the same situation differently or misunderstanding each other. You may each have sensitive areas that the other needs to be careful about. Learning to communicate openly and honestly isn't always easy, but it will give you a healthy foundation to build on long-term instead of the back and forth or a downward spiral of frustrations. And if you two really love each other, then it will 100% be worth the risk of being vulnerable with each other.

Christine - 29yo - level 38 -
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3 months ago

That’s not love, that’s addiction.

Love doesn’t hurt.

Kinia - 32yo - level 5 -
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3 months ago

Love can hurt a lot and sometimes often. As long as it’s within it’s limits and not abuse, and if the couple is determined I think there’s hope. Now if the power dynamics were uneven and it was clear abuse then the line gets drawn and it’s toxic. That’s when I would say it’s not love, it’s codependency.

Magaly - 25yo - level 8 -
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3 months ago

My answer is more biblical. Be slow to speak and quick to listen. The Bible also warns of associating yourself with someone so easily angered lest you become quick tempered to. I don’t mean to be a bible thumper because Lord knows I have had my share of bad relationships and bad choices to include the verbal fights and yelling;however, I now am able to listen. Really listen to my fiancé and repeat back what he is saying and try to understand how he is feeling. Then I share how I feel. It’s not perfect and sometimes we each hit a brick wall and have to step away to let the emotions calm down because you do not think or reason clearly when your emotions are high. If you love your fiancé then you will be quick to listen. Slow to speak. Don’t be easily angered. Because love is action. It is patient and kind. Be kind to your fiancé. In turn, since you are the company you keep, your fiancé will notice that there is something different and will react differently. That’s my two cents. Take it for what it’s worth.

Jamie - 37yo - level 12 -
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3 months ago

When you’re arguing, do you listen to each other to understand, or just to reply? Express yourself in a “less accusing” way; “I need need you to....” vs “you’re doing/saying...” take turns talking. It’s a waste of time if you’re just shouting over one another. Best of luck!!

Leah - 24yo - level 10 -
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3 months ago

This sounds just like my boyfriend and I. Or at least how we were for the first 6 years of our relationship. It's so hard to tell a couple what to do to fix their relationship in my eyes, because different things work for different relationships. There's no cookie cutter answers. When I was in ur shoes and willing to do anything to save our relationship, I kept trying different things until things finally started falling in place. And i think one of the things that really worked for us was me finding my own therapist, and him getting his own therapist. That way when we had a fight, and I went to my next therapist appointment and discussed the fight and my part in it, I could be completely vulnerable with my therapist about why I reacted that way with my boyfriend, what I was thinking, feeling and how i behaved. Then my therapist could explain his thoughts on why i may have done that and how i can work on my reactions and behaviors to being triggered in a fight. Same for my boyfriend. Sometimes people feel ganged up on in couples therapy, or dont believe therapy will help. Therapy can help anyone, no matter how big or small your issues are. Just keep in mind, not all therapists are the same. I had to go thru a few to find a good fit for me and my situation. I hope that helps. <3

Rhonda Mate - 41yo - level 1 -
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3 months ago

It seems that you both need to grow individually and become independent to truly love. Therapy can help, but only when each one opens up his/herself to courageously understand why each one is acting the way they are.

Laura - 28yo - level 15 -
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3 months ago

Patience, open mind. Over my 20 year marriage there were def. Good yrs and not as good years. Look back it is one day at a time but the ebb and flow of happiness in the relationship looks alot more like a profile view of waves than it does an echocardiogram.

Cole mcclelland - 42yo - level 24 -
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3 months ago

Continue to fight. It is worth it!!!

Damion - 50yo - level 7 -
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3 months ago

Have an argument safety plan... Which involves a 'code' word for when you realise one of you needs a time out. Whoever says the word, they have to come back to other person when they are ready (and ensure the other person is ready as well) and sort it out (not the other way around, they said it because they needed the time). No name calling, no violence, whatever you want really.

This way you'll always know the fight will be resolved but a lot of the pent up emotion will be diffused.

That's the advice the therapist gave us when we went for the same issue.

Jasmine - 38yo - level 48 -
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3 months ago

What are you arguing about? Are things outside your relationship causing you to take your frustrations out on your partner? If you simply don't agree on anything and have no common grounds is are you have no business being with that person.

Danielle - 35yo - level 6 -
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3 months ago

See a therapist, it can seriously change your dynamic

Cece - 37yo - level 45 -
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3 months ago

Every relationship is different.

Sounds like you love each other AND you already know the thing that you need to work on. Make a decision. Either work it out via counseling or whatever, or quit getting back together.

Michael - 44yo - level 39 -
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3 months ago

I think what you’re fighting about is it really fight Worthy Or is it just two people being stubborn or is it just two people being stubborn that would be the problem I’m having

Mike - 37yo - level 11 -
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3 months ago

Have you tried a code word for a time out? Or both realising it's getting out of hand and agreeing to put the argument on pause? This allows time to both calm down. And when you revisit it, ensure it is a conversation rather than either of you raising your voice. And as soon as voices start to get heated again, agree to pause... Tried and tested! We can now communicate without it becoming a row!

Megan - 30yo - level 19 -
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3 months ago

Please talk to an independent person about your relationship. Someone that can talk to you about your own independent relationship issues. You can onlly enter a healthy happy relationship after you are each healthy individually.

Jennifer - 48yo - level 16 -
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3 months ago

It's hard to break off and hurts more to be apart because you are used to each other you'd rather go back to each other than find new people because its work and you'd probably be frustrated at starting all over. This is exactly how I was with my ex-husband. But now I'm happily married because of mutual respect and viewing the relationship as a partnership as well. Best of luck to you two, but my advice would be to break it off. Screaming matches are unhealthy.

Sydney-Lee - 24yo - level 8 -
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3 months ago

If you are both really dedicated, make some rules for the relationship. My husband and I had unspoken rules that have been vital in keeping things lighthearted. Don’t ever insult your fiancé. Don’t raise your voice in anger ever. Don’t point out things they’ve done to bother you unless they don’t know what they did and ask you to clarify a situation so they can understand what bothered you about something. If you cannot come to an agreement and the argument is getting more heated after 5 minutes, stop talking - both of you - and take a few minutes to think. Most of our arguments are a difference of understanding or intent. After you both have silently cooled down - don’t wait too long - hug, apologize and ask what you said that made the other person angry if you were trying to have a low key conversation in the beginning. If you already know, you may have to leave it at a mutual apology for being explosive and agree to take the conversation up at a later time. A relationship is never worth verbally beating up the person you’re with. I have known my husband over 23 years and have been married over two and we are expecting a baby. We have never yelled out of anger or frustration, insulted each other, said shut up, or let an argument without an apology - even when we both thought we were right. Even if some conversations have to be spread out over months, it has definitely been worth it for us to figure things out without losing our cool.

Sarah - 28yo - level 10 -
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3 months ago

Just remember that every reaction has a back story and every seemingly unreasonable hurt has a history.

Sarah - 28yo - level 10 -
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3 months ago

To me. I feel like you guys should work it out. If you guys need help ask friends or matter of fact a therapist.

Tyler - 17yo - level 3 -
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3 months ago

Always remember. . . It’s you and your spouse versus the problem. Not you versus your spouse because of the problem.

Make a serious commitment to the word “time out” when you guys feel the conversation is getting heated. This means continue the conversation later.

Blayr - 30yo - level 28 -
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3 months ago

Set boundaries, and make sure you’re actually listening to each other. When it starts to get to bad, walk away and take a moment to re-cooperate. You’ll know when it’s time to go your separate ways

Chastidy - 18yo - level 9 -
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3 months ago

Block delete

Joanne - 18yo - level 3 -
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3 months ago

In my personal opinion, what helps me and my s.o. Is to write out our feelings either in the form of poems or even writing a letter we have a hard time communicating verbally and feel that writing things is just an easier way for us to communicate.

Ashleigh - 28yo - level 6 -
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3 months ago

Take time for yourselves individually. Then when you are calm, get together to see if you can identify the major problems. Seek therapy. Set boundaries that if you do start to argue you defuse the moment and decide to return to it when you are both cooled off and calm. Never demean, berate, mock, intimidate or be belligerent to each other. Seek to have healthy and open conversations. Be honest yet kind. You should both care about each other's happiness whether together or apart. Remember when having a conversation, let one talk and the other should actively listen. Then the listener should repeat what they thought they heard then say their response.

Jill - 49yo - level 35 -
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3 months ago

Learn to "fair fight", learn better communication skills, seek counseling

Kelly - 52yo - level 27 -
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3 months ago

Well I’d say first it depends if the disagreements due to which you are fighting are major. If they are major it’s really time to part ways instead of getting each miserable.
If they are minor then I think you can at time agree to disagree and sort of put boundaries above which neither of your would go so your fights don’t get hurtful. Or make a promise to be sensible to each other once you’ve calmed down so you treat each other nicely and say cute sorry and all. Hope I helped, sending lots of positive energy.

Lavalina - 24yo - level 9 -
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3 months ago

Go to a couple's therapist and work on your issues. If you can't- figure out what unresolved issue is causing the fights, usually it won't be what it seems to be on the surface. Are either of you trying to change the other? Remember a disagreement should be you and your partner vs the problem not you vs your partner. You will both be to blame in ways for the situation. Be the first one to apologise and see how she reacts when she feels head- she should return the same respect. If you still can't stop fighting, find out what is broken in you that means you can't leave her and GTFO of there.

Zachary - 21yo - level 8 -
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3 months ago

Wait till you add kids into the mix. If you’re already fighting so intensely now it is only going to get worse the more pressure you put on your relationship. My advice, after 11 years of marriage and 3 children, is to think very seriously about getting married and starting a family (if that’s what you desire). All the best xx

Lizzy - 36yo - level 7 -
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3 months ago

This doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship...

Lizzy - 36yo - level 7 -
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3 months ago

Counciling

Logan - 19yo - level 8 -
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3 months ago

Before taking that big step to walk down the aisle ensure that those major issues you keep fighting and arguing about are addressed and you have practical solutions for dealing with them. Else sorry to say you will be getting married to a roller coaster

Donna-Mae - level 1 -
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3 months ago

Watch Andy Stanley’s trust vs suspicion together and talk about it. Go through a couple marriage reading plans in the Youversion app.

Jonathan - 31yo - level 27 -
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3 months ago

Why is it, that every single time ANYONE has ANY kind of mental health issue, no matter how big or small, everyone tells you to go see a therapist? Why in TF would you pay someone that much money..when they hardly offer ANY ACTUAL HELP?! Shit is absurd. We have this amazing, boundless thing called the internet that hardly anyone uses to actually get information off of. Which is literally what it was built for. Instead, homosapiens, as an entire species.. uses it for b.s. Videos of cats, arguing online and porn of all kinds(including but not limited to;midget porn, amputee fetish porn, foot fetish porn, etc.) Shit makes no since. But, go ahead and pay hundreds of thousandss of $$ to have someone, who says their unbiased and who says they have their PhD, to judge you. To pry into your life. When they have no fucking clue as to what your life has actually been like because those Mf's were more than likely going to school on their parents $$ and have never had an actual difficult day in their life?

Marci - 28yo - level 12 -
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3 months ago

That last part is a bit presumptuous of you. On every industry there might be people who go to school on parents' money, but I can assure you a lot of therapists went to school and paid themselves through it just like anybody else because they had a passion. And even if they did have school paid for doesn't mean they never had a difficult day in their life. Nobody has a life without difficulty. Most therapists likely become therapists because they've been through difficult times themselves and want to help others get through their own times.

Angela - 21yo - level 41 -
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3 months ago

True love isn't that hard. If your constantly trying to make something work, it's like trying to swim up stream. You're always gonna get tired and weary. No matter how hard you try to make the wrong person right for you it won't happen. The longer you try force the wrong thing the farther from the right thing your going. We must recognize when we are in love with the idea of something and not with the someone we are with.

Stud - 43yo - level 34 -
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3 months ago

You need a better way to communicate. Think twice and speak once.

Brooklyn - 27yo - level 25 -
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3 months ago

Y'all need to sit down and talk it out

curtis - 37yo - level 15 -
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3 months ago

Set boundaries and practice having respect during disagreements. Also look for a couple's counselor. Wish you guys the best

Ebony - 32yo - level 25 -
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3 months ago

Take one of your breaks for 30 days. No to the extreme minimum amount of speaking. Take the time to yourselves to reflect and evaluate what you want from the other person, or if you truly want them at all. Sometimes true space is all you need to clear your head and you’ll see what you really want.

Alyssa - 19yo - level 13 -
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3 months ago

You answered your own question. We were in the same situation. We realized we loved each other enough to do what we needed to do. We were in our relationship because we loved seeing each other happy. We gave in to each other. We each decided to make the other happy.

Blake - 51yo - level 15 -
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3 months ago

Sounds like you’re at a very stressful, yet exciting, point in tour relationship... and emotions are everywhere. It’s fine to have disagreements, just be mindful of word choice and feelings. As long as honesty, clear communication, and trust is there... keep “fighting”.

Re’Jahnique - 23yo - level 15 -
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3 months ago

Understand that, something you did hurted your partner, apologise to them, hug them and support them. Its what they really need.

Nithya - 25yo - level 1 -
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3 months ago

You guys are engaged means you love each other quite deeply. I believe all the comments would help but I'll just like to add that you guys should remember that you're two different people who fell in love and so are bound to have different opinions about matters and argue, just note that whenever you argue, you are trying to sort out an issue and not trying to sort out each other. The issue raised is the problem not the two of you

Femz - 24yo - level 8 -
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3 months ago

Read some relationship books to find out what is bothering the two of you. Are you arguing over the same stuff every now and then? Find out what is the deep reason that makes you angry at one another. Remember kindness goes a Long way.

Siqi - 29yo - level 19 -
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3 months ago

Definitely go to couples therapy! And work your problems out or find a way to be happy apart with a specialist.

Anastasia - 21yo - level 32 -
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3 months ago

Just learn to disagree or fix the issue

Lucas - 32yo - level 6 -
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3 months ago

Patience. Listen to each other. Do not try to up one another. Most importantly? Go to therapy. It really helps.

Nancy - level 15 -
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3 months ago

I go through the same thing with my lady now she just kind of slips on me and then I bite you know and I know what's going on but I just can't seem to help myself she suggested counseling I'm I'm open to try cuz I'll do anything to keep her I love her to death but I just have this part of my mind that says I can't I mean if I need to pay someone else to tell me how to have a functioning relationship maybe this relationship just is too messed up but you know that's just me and I'm still with her we were still pushing there wasn't app that we used and it was a it was a couples counseling app and I don't know why we stopped using it I mean it was only 1199 a month and it was fantastic as long as both of you get on it every day I mean we'd barely fought when we were using that it's in the play store has one of the top-rated ones I forget what it's called

Brandon McRae - 34yo - level 11 -
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3 months ago

If you can't sort it out between each other, go to therapy. Arguments and disrespect may end up killing the relationship at some point.

Paula - 34yo - level 25 -
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3 months ago

A lot of love, no respect. I've been through it. It gets old after awhile. Marriage isn't something to take lightly, do you want to live like this forever?

Therapy is a good option. Only if you're both in it 100%. There's no room for blame or pride in therapy... that always seems to be the hard part.

Best of luck!

Cindy - level 17 -
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3 months ago

Go to therapy and both listen

April - 29yo - level 2 -
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3 months ago

Me and my boyfriend are going through the same thing, honestly we just keep fighting thru the fights. Try to remember the good times and when you realize that a fight is coming on they to defuse it by going separate ways for a small amount of time. Or go do something together to distract the argument. Also try being more sexual with each other, trying new fun things! Good luck!

Brittany - 28yo - level 12 -
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3 months ago

Sounds like a codependent relationship. Therapy is needed to make it healthier and learning to communicate effectively

Steven - 41yo - level 31 -
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3 months ago

Therapy could work. But before that maybe learn to communicate and listen better and also learn how to respond rather than react, cuz if you are reacting to anger with anger nothing is going to get accomplished. Once you know how to talk to each other and hear each other out, then you'll be able to understand where the other is coming from and it can totally change how you interact with each other. Instead of always having to be right, if you surrender that need it gets a lot easier to be able to express your opinion and have it be received well and understood. Trust me, it's not easy to let go of things but once I learned how it became so much easier to get my point across and to not react all the time based solely on my emotions rather than my mind and brain. I hope this helps a little. Good luck.

Christina - 33yo - in a relationship for 1 year - Dating - level 23 -
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